Sunday, October 8, 2006

Good Idea, Bad Idea

I am often blessed and illuminated with grand ideas but unfortunately I lack the ability to determine if they are in fact worthy of pursuing. Let me know what you think:

-A book offering unhealthy ways to lose weight; filled with detrimental advice as well as harmful, albeit efficient weight loss procedures and tactics. Example chapters: "The Power-Eating Minute Diet: Enough For The Whole Day--Eat Anything You Want From 4am to 4:01am", "Tapeworm: The Friend Within", "Explosive Expulsion: Incorporating Gastric Purging Into Your Social Routines", "Self-Serving Self-Mutilation: Lose 40lb With Just One Swipe of a Chainsaw" and "Just Don't Eat: Put The Plate Down And Pick Up Your Self Esteem, Fat Ass!". Preface by Nicole Richie!

-A triple album on six sides of marbled vinyl based on the life of Gérard Depardieu limited to 999 import-only copies; from his poverty-stricken childhood to his rise to international fame and fortune as the world's undisputed greatest thespian, the music would shift in genre and mood as the different phases of his distinguished life unfold. I imagine that the six-parted saga about his portrayal of Andre, the loving but neglectful French father of fourteen-year old Nicole in the 1994 classic, "My Father The Hero" would be interpreted by syncopated handclaps and a glorious, squealing trio of tenor saxes. It would all come to a crashing end in a dramatic crescendo titled, "Unnecessary Nude Scene in "The Man in the Iron Mask", where our fearless hero drops trou and exposes his illustrious behind for all our starving eyes to consume. I imagine a 40 piece jug band would accompany this piece, fading out in an ethereal orgy of cacophony. Liner notes by Nicole Richie!

-A documentary which recounts the life and work of Nineteenth century Russian utopian socialist writer Nikolai Gavrilovich Chernyshevsky through interviews with celebrities who have never heard of him. Hear Jessica Simpson's thoughts on class struggle as she relates her own stories of how "like one time, I had to pump my own gas and I didn't know how!" Watch Vin Diesel's face contort with confusion as he struggles with the contradictions of dialectical materialism paired with socialist idealism, much like it did when he was forced to deliver dialogue in "The Chronicles of Riddick". Observe Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to figure out what's going on as he's asked about his own ascetic lifestyle in relation to Nikolai's. And the coupe de grace, a fiery diatribe by Whitney Houston as she demands to speak with her agent. DVD commentary track by Nicole Richie!

I know they need a little work, but I think these are all unflappable ways to make millions of dollars. So don't come a-knocking at my mansion door looking for handouts when the time comes, I'll be too busy counting money.

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